Monday, October 31, 2011
You dont belong to our world
In few days, we have another journey. A journey which can bring in plenty of experience. My partner as usual become excited, so as the other boys around me. This time its going to be more than two dozen, I mean the team size. And they are all young and vibrant. Sometimes when I think of it, it become difficult to control them. Sometimes their flames can be all over, especially when you are out of your town. Things can go wrong, but boys seems to be less bothered about the consequences. I know I had to turn their energy into good directions, but im becoming weak day by day. Not by the world, but by the world within me, whom I thought were friends.
I had dreams, dreams that haunts me forever. From tiny white circle to the giant ones, it follows me everywhere. Im not afraid of their size, only the white circle and the flour. It looked ugly, like the dosai flour before the frying. The more I tried to come out of it, the more circle that appears in my dreams. Sometimes I was scared to sleep. They tried to wrap around my face and drag me into their dark shells, I cannot go back, I was there for so long, I refused to be in the dark. I don’t sleep these days.
Unknown of my dreams and fears, these boys crack jokes, sing songs and drink in gallons, dance to the horrible tunes. Some of them had no clue about their futures, some of them had hundreds of one nite stands. They were little scared about the dangers of unsafe sex. Some of them never seen a condom before. Can I be the one standing between their troubled future and gay world. I am deeply worried about the directions that they have chosen.
Recently a handsome, young guy joined our group. His face looked so familiar to me, even his innocent smiles. Every time I stare at his eyes, there was nothing harmful. But my past warned me again and again. To be careful of the new ones. People who betrayed me and took my confidence along just for no reasons other than wanting to be the one from the other side. The nerves that behold their tongue had no clue what they were talking about. May god forgive their sins. But I am just waiting for my time. I just wanted these boys to take me out of my horrible dreams, bring in some light and answer to my questioners. In few years, people who tried to drag me to the dark, the ghosts that tried to bury me in their graveyard had to answer to these boys oneday.
He looked so beautiful even in the dim yellow light. He talks about things that I can only dream of. He has a vision certainly not me. I envied his passion, he was just like me, like the way I was 3 years before. But 3 years taught me more than I imagined. If I guessed the kind of people I had to cope up with, the kind of talks that I had to manage, the kind of allegations that I had to face I would have never entered this world. I wanted to warn him, scream at him to stay as far as possible. Not to enter this hypocritic world, a world full of evil wisdom, if they find you as competition, people who are looking for self glory and nothing at all. “Stay away young man, you don’t belong here”, I wanted to shout. But nobody was listening. Boys surrounded him, praising his ideas and passion. My warning evaporated within my heart.
Someone said a long time back, I sowed the seed and the plant started to grow, even if I don’t want, I cant stop it. Its not going to wait for me to water it everyday, because I sowed the seed in the good soil. I was not sure then, its not about the seed, only about the soil. The plant is good too, but the soil is too bad, now I realize, but I cannot stop it, because it is not waiting for me to water it.
There are plenty of them with lot of confidence. They are not confused like us, neither they are confused about their gender. They are not going to refer oxford dictionary everytime they talk. They are going to shout at you in a language that everybody can understand, they are going to stand in the street and bring your ugly face into the light. They are not going to hide, because they have no fear. They are not going to refer WHO or McKinsey Report. They are only going to refer truth. They are not going to talk from the closet like they way you pretend, they are going to stand within, inside your heart and say “I don’t need you anymore”.
In few days I had to meet them all, The wound was so strong, still repeating in my ears all those words. My partner does not want me to go alone among the wolves, but I had to. Yes, they may tear me apart with their stares and smiles. They can whisper behind my back, their gossips can rip my heart. They can take the centrestage and glorify themself. But I am not scared. I have given up so much to go back, I need to give some time for the boys to grow. I need to create some space where they can breathe without fear. Till then, I had to fight, I may be the lonely warrior in this battlefield but I had no fear, because I have given up so much now to give up. And I am not afraid of the defeat, I am just buying time for my boys to drive you out of their world, because YOU DON’T BELONG TO OUR WORLD ANYMORE…
Posted by Chennai Dost at 5:34 PM