"There is this part of us which thinks that we dont deserved to be loved
So when you find someone whom you cant have and who can never fall in love with you
You fantasies that one day he falls in love with you and sees that what he is really missing
But it never happens, before you realize it you will celebrating your 40th or 50th birthday
So find someone who can love you, find someone who loves you , find someone for real"
I was watching Queer as folks once again on Thursday night and Ted was saying this to Michael which might be suitable for all of us. But even though we know the above statement, we cant control our mind infact sometimes i have no control over anything in my life. Call it 'curse of gays' or 'ultimate evil' or whatever, but when there is this hot guy sleeping next to you, breathing heavily and when seeing his beautiful skin, lips and hair, dont tell me you felt nothing at that moment.
What is that meaning of being Gay? having sex with guys and act straight? falling in love with guys? looking for a life gay partner? or doing a transgender operation in Mumbai and visit Koovaagam once in a year? what is it?...trust me guys, i have no answer to these questions either. To be honest in India we are way behind gay issues. There are so many highly educated or slum homophobics living in India, who thinks homosexuality is a sexual preference, chosen by guys for sexual comforts and easier approach. Same way hundreds of indian gays thinks that being gay is only about sucking and fucking. It is understandable for those vagina obsessed hetrosexuals thinking that homosexuality is a disease or mental disorder, but it is highly irritating when i speak to most of the chennai gays who thinks it is all about sex.
Recently i received an anonymous personal mail from a gayish homophobic guy, who somehow managed to sneak into our blog, viewed almost all the postings (including the pictures of indian hot guys). He advised me not to write such gay blog, not to involve in gay activities etc. He said homosex is something which against nature, god, religion and culture. He asked me to go for a medical treatment to cure my homosexual disease and find a girl.
He was so afraid that i might miss his email, so he sent thrice to me, he even posted 2 comments in our blog which i have deleted recently. Normally when someone says anything against gays i will be furious and go mad at them. But this time i felt disappointed, frustrated and demotivated. One of my friend told me that if i can have sex with girl why not i convert myself to a straight life from gay. I went silent and refused to reply my friend. He was such a stupid to say so even after known me for years.
Rather than blaming the hetrosexual society, family restrictions, indian culture, government laws, police etc, we should blame ourself. We should be ashamed of not having atleast one gay portal from india which discusses Indian gay issues. Those who came out of the closet and pronounced themself are transgenders and cross dressers not all those hi-fi gays who thinks they are so manly who have no courage to accept the truth to himself.
Last time when my 6 year old niece scored less in a subject she blamed her teacher, school, parents, books, bag, cartoons etc. She even blamed her pencil and notebooks. After 3 days of continuous conversation with her, i let her realize her mistakes and less effort to score in the subject. If a 6 year old kid can realize and recognise her mistakes in 3 days, why are we not realising our orientation and accept the truth even after 25 years of our life. Shame on us...
We have become so dependent on our parents even after 25 years which is forcing us to let them drive our life, take decisions on whom we should be living with for the remaining 50 years, they are even deciding what kind of sex we should be having and what we should wear etc. Guys who cant accept this truth and still telling me that we are doing it for the love of our parent are very well live forever in lie and kill their self pride.
I love my mom and dad, they love me too, im their only son, but that doesnt mean i should hide the truth of my life, live like a coward all my life, destroy an innocent girl's life and cheaply believe that my affection on her is love.
Like Brian Kinney in Queer as folks said "Im gay, im queer, im a cock sucker, i like guys, i love them, i fuck asses, i get fucked, im a homosexual, im an ultimate evil...if anyone judges me here and tells me how i should live, i will say fuck-off, you are not my god". I said all these things with furious voice, red eyes and a cracked throat to my best friend Subash who is a straight, he almost cried. I have seen tears in his eyes, warming my hot shoulders and holding my hands. He told me "Yaar, you have got every right to live the way you want and if anyone stopping you, i will kill them".
Friends like Subash, Ar continue to encourage and accept my sexuality which leads my life in a confident way.
Guys, i have started this blog not just to tell you my sexual adventures, neither posting fair skin model's nude pictures, i have started this blog to bring awareness among millions of teenagers and youngsters in Chennai and Bangalore who are living in lie, struggling in homophobic straight society, confused and scared about their future, have no clue about what is happening in Gay world. I would request you to help me bring more such young boys to our blog and help us to form a Gay world in Chennai who shares happiness and knowledge. Middle aged gaymen have their own matured ways of helping themself and come out of situations, but to the future of young Gays not to suffer the way you had and live a lie, it is a bound duty to lay a path to our future generation in India.
Feel free to post your comments or contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org