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Monday, January 5, 2009

Man proposes, God disposes

At 4 AM this morning, suddenly i woke up from my bed felt like drinking some water. I had this wild dream being chased by group of men who were wearing black coloured face masks and long gowns, i could see the fire blaze behind their heads and then those white bubbles all around me getting bigger by size every second. Normally, iam not a good fan of watching thrillers, i'd rather go for comedies and melodies. So this thriller dream woke me up in the early morning and then i heard the 'Gayathri Manthra' from the temple infront of my flat. Something struck in my throat and my brain has gone dead. I felt my heart pulse getting into normal beat and i saw the guy sleeping next to me in my bed. He was in his deep sleep, looked so careless, i guess if i wake him up now obviously he would not have any idea where he was sleeping. He was my last nite 'one-nite stand' and i didnt even really remember his name. He must be in his early 20's and obviously he would not even remember my name by now. I saw the morning light glimpse through my bedroom windows and the cold chill came out of my air conditioner. Suddenly things were very clear now and my last nite memories returning back to my mind, it all started coming back.

Arjun broke up with me last night and i may never see his cute face again or hear his sweet voice, i really dont want to. Though it hurts when you realize that your only love of your life or last hope to live is gone, the energy and the character that i built all these years reminds me i still have long way to go and there are plenty of ups and downs awaiting down the corner. It was such a bad decision that i took trying to bet on a running horse which is new in the race, but i was pretty careful then by discussing all my fears and doubts and still ended up loosing. He was never sure of living in a committed relationship neither he was sure of his sexuality. When i asked him about it even in the beginning it was just a blind love or some kind of curiosity that made him promise me that he was sure of these two. But now he comes into terms that it is not easy to live up to the task. I could easily excuse him because he is just turned 19 and i am more matured and elder than him. When i heard the same kind of story from some of my friends i laughed at them for being stupid, but now i am the same stupid and ended up playing back an old story. I guess no matter how smart you are or how careful you are, you are just a human and there is one more guy(i mean god) who is sitting on top of you playing a director's role. Love is blind and God is great...

Well, here i am 24 years old turning 25 in few days, living single and staying alone in a city which is alien to me, almost given up my one-nite stands, failed to convince or not able to move ahead with a boy who is 6 years younger than me. Where did i went wrong ? of all the love proposals and still so many hot guys in town, why did i choose him ? is 'Love' word doesnt really work in the gay world ?...i may never have answers to these questions in my life, but there is a word called 'Hope' , that keeps every human alive and running. We just hope that the sun will rise next day and we will be still alive.

Note: i have taken some hard decisions this morning like taking a break away from g4m and friends, changing my phone number, disconnecting from few friends who dont deserve to be, giving up my one nite stands, shifting back to bangalore, focussing on my job and trying to write a book, but i will continue to write here...Well, lets see...ofcourse Man proposes but god disposes...

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