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Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Spiderman and my beautiful mind

Iam not sure if you have seen the movie "A beautiful mind". But if somebody asked me to do films i will take a movie about a beautiful mind. There will be millions of thoughts wandering around your mind at the same time when the crush of your life sitting closer to you. In Zen it says like this "If the mind is empty, it is always ready for anything; it is open to everything. In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, in the expert's mind there are few". I must call myself expert now because it is always occupied with one thought that is Gay.

Last year i have got a new friend in my neighbourhood Vinoth. Vinoth is a 20 years old mallu boy living next door. He has broken his leg in an accident while trying to do wheeling, he is currently taking rest at home and almost discontinued his college. I must say he is a hunk with long hairs, fair and tall, broad chest, sexy lips and cute eyes. I used to go for a smoke at the terrace, and i will meet him daily. He will be always there wearing some faded jeans, t-shirts and a boyish smile. Lately he has been asked to stay at home to take rest, so he is bored out of loneliness. So whenever he finds me he will talk a lot and in a shortwhile we have become friends. Iam not really sure of his intentions or interests. I really find him very attractive and friendly, but its also in my inner mind which controls me from falling in love with a straight guy.

Last week me and Vinoth were watching the movie "Spiderman" in his house. Somehow the movie has become my favourite, either its because of the innocent looks of Toby Macguire or its because of the superhero status of the Spiderman adventures, but there is something Gay about Spiderman-2. Vinoth was having a conversation with me while watching the movie. I was so desperate today to express my feelings to him, there was something different about his whole approach today starting from inviting to his house and also the way he was looking at me, period.

Here is the conversation with the background dialogues of Spiderman-2 and also the thoughts of my beautiful mind. This is what you call as Threesome...

Vinoth: You look so different today, new hair style, huh?
Me: What? (i was not actually heard what Vinoth said, spiderman was now in his bedroom shirtless, Vinoth was glancing at me from the corner of his eyes, Wow, his eyes? i felt restless now and pretending like watching the movie)
(Spiderman-2: I said, um, 'Spider-Man,' I said, 'the great thing about M.J. is when you look in her eyes, and she looks back in yours, everything feels not quite normal, because you feel strong—and weak at the same time. You feel excited, and at the same time terrified. The truth is you don't know the way you feel, except you know the kind of man you want to be. It's as if you've reached the unreachable, and you weren't ready for it. )

Vinoth: Hey, are you listening me?
Me: (no iam not, im lost) Yes, im listening , tell me
Vinoth: There is something wrong about you today, sometimes its very hard to understand you. Sometimes i feel like i dont know who you are (Oh yeah, its coming, can somebody tell this idiot that im Gay)
(Spiderman-2 :Who am I? You sure you wanna know? The story of my life is not for the faint of heart. If somebody told you it was a happy tale, if somebody said I was just your average guy, not a care in the world...somebody lied. But let me assure you, this, like any other story worth telling, is all about a girl. That girl, the girl next door. Mary Jane Watson. The woman I loved since before I even liked girls. )

Vinoth: Iam going back to hostel from next week, we cant see each other anymore. Will you miss me?
Me: Not really (it hurts, you have no idea)
(Spiderman-2: No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try...the ones I love will always be the ones who pay. )

Vinoth: I dont know what to say, but i never really had any friend like you before. And i dont think i will find anyone in the college.
Me: Look, dont worry about it. You will find friends better than me, who matches your interests, im sure you will forget about me in one or two days.(He was so straight acting till last week, his sudden changes frightened me, i dont want him to be a gay and suffer like me)
(Spiderman-2: Peter, look, you're changing. I know. I went through the exact same thing at your age. Peter, these are the years when a man changes into the man he's going to be for the rest of his life. Just be careful who you change into. )

Me: Vinoth, dont worry about friendship, love or sex etc. Just focus on your studies and sports, the remaining thing will happen automatically to you (Gosh, i sounded like my grandma, somebody blow me)
(Spiderman-2: Whatever life holds in store for me, I will never forget these words: 'With great power, comes great responsibility.' This is my gift. My curse. Who am I? I'm Spider-Man! )

(Vinoth was smiling at me now)
Vinoth: What happened to you today, you sound so odd. Iam trying to say something to you, but you are not listening, pretending as if everything is normal.
(Spiderman-2: I love you! And Peter loves you! We've been down and out before but somehow we'll get through it. You do too much, you're not Superman, you know. )

Me: I know what you are going to say, infact i dont want you to say anything now. Im 5 years elder than you, so i know more than what you know
Vinoth: Vikki, allow me to say what i wanted to say, dont fool me.
(Spiderman-2: What do you want? (to Norman) To say what you won't. To do what you can't. To remove those standing in your way. )

Vinoth: Vikki, you should say whatever you want to say today itself (he was very curious and encouraging me to open up). Do you have any special feelings on me?
Me: Come on machi, lets just stop talking and just watch the movie, Dont you like Spiderman? (i just tried my best to change the topic, i dont wanna spoil the show)
Vinoth: No, i dont like him. Answer my question
(the time was running out, my heart was pounding like a sports watch, i just looked at his beautiful eyes, hard to resist this hot guy, somebody stop me please)
Me: Oh yeah, i have feelings towards you, but you dont have to worry about it.
Vinoth: Vikki, you are my best friend, i do have to worry about hurting you.
(Spiderman-2: Misery, misery, misery. That's what you've chosen. I offered you friendship... and you spat in my face! )

Vinoth: I want you to be my best friend. Be with me forever like a guide help me. I dont want any awkward feeling in between us. I cant just ignore you, will you be my best friend forever?
(at this moment millions of thoughts crossing all over my beautiful mind, its all for few seconds, i just smiled at him)
Me: Yep, i will
(Vinoth gave a sigh of relief, he must be the happiest man today)
(Spiderman-2: We are who we choose to be! Now, CHOOSE! )

Well, there are few things which i dont have control over in my life. Being gay is not my choice, its not anybody's choice, its our destiny. Now who said that "Never fall in love with a straight guy", Period...

Through Vinoth i have got one more shot in my wounded heart. But that is the way my life is, i find hundreds of gays in the net everyday, they just dont capture my heart, its the straight guys in my next door or in my college or in my office who dies for my friendship makes my heartbeat go hell all the time. I deserved those shots for being so stupid. Now somebody Blow Me.

Post your comments please


  1. Dramatic, but very interesting!

  2. only i came to know abt this profile thro' my boy friend. its really worth reading, keep posting.


  3. Great ....beleive me it happens all the time with me....You have touched a raw nerve...cheers